If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
