Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
