you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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