benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
