My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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