I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
