Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
