I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
