My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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