I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
