porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
