The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
