we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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