i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
