Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
