Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
