Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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