Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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