my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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