he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
