I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
