so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
