8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
