I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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