my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
