your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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