we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
