I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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