She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
