I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
