if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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