drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
