yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
