take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize