How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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