I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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