Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
