I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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