I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
