Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
