This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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