I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
