Your tits are I can't wait for
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
