Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
