I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
