so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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