flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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