Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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