$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My life is pants optional.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize