I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
