I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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