I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
