Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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