So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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