Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
