i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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