she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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