I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
