Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
