I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
