So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
