I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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