Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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