I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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