Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
